And I bet you asked: “Now why don’t he write?”
We apologize for not writing more as we have been busy – but that is no excuse; especially since so many of you take the time to read our humble little post and even take the time to comment. Thanks for that!
But now, I will get straight to the point – In my quest to be a more effective communicator or just to be more healthy in my dealings with others – I need to talk about R & R.
Or, as I like to call it: Rehearsals and Rehashing!
R& R affects yours and my ability to communicate effectively.
When we do a little R & R, we waste time in our head, period…
But first a little back story: The mall we had partnered with (so we thought), has terminated our arrangement. The place is San Antonio, TX and the the Mall is Wonderland of the Americas. Management and staff refer the mall in the following: “There is always something going on!”
Much to our chagrin and surprise – they were not kidding. It was just not as positive as we had hoped.
They say it was nothing that we did as a group and cite incompatibility as a reason to part ways. I think and say different, but I will not draft my opinion here. What I will do is share the unnecessary need and desire for R & R.
R & R, if not Rest and Relaxation, is a waste of time and energy. Let me explain:
Rehearsing is what you do when you carry on a conversation (in your head) with someone before it happens or with someone that is not even present. You practice telling them this or that, or should I say: you are going to tell them this and that and usually is a rather assertive tone going on in your head. Problem is, when the conversation actually takes place – it does not always go as it was rehearsed and they do not respond the way you acted it out in your head – then you are stuck! And it almost always plays out different than what you initially planned or rehearsed.
Rehashing is when you go through a conversation, after it is done, over and over wishing you would have said this or that. Goes something like this: I should have told them this, I should have said that!
Some say that hindsight is 20/20; others second guess the end result – problem is it still requires wasted energy. Problem is, again, the conversation is over and it does not reflect on what was actually said, just what should have been said.
Never is it healthy because the conversation is over and resentments build between the non-existent parties. Basically, you had your chance at the meeting – do not waste energy constantly trying to change an outcome that has been decided.
Do you Understand?
I will cite an example: Recently, we had a meeting with the operations and marketing managers of the mall. This was our “Exit” meeting. They were there to tell us that we would have absolutely no more dealings with the mall.
Such is life in relationships – some work, some don’t and some need a bit of working together to make it healthy.
I had planned not to say much because I did not have much to say. This was our exit. What use would it do to gripe or share how unhealthy our relationship was – IT WOULD NOT CHANGE THE OUTCOME!
During the meeting, I was constantly being asked if about my demeanor in the meeting – I was stoic and distant. Not angry, upset, nor immature – just aloof. I had nothing to say – anything I would have added to the meeting would have been fruitless. Nothing would have come from it – I repeat – IT WOULD NOT CHANGE THE OUTCOME!.
Usually, I would have thought about what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it many times over. But because I knew where we stood with the mall and I knew how I felt about the principles – I made a conscious effort to stop thinking about what I was going to say, or wanted to say in the meeting…
Trust me – I have some reservations and thoughts about how it all went down, even from the beginning. We have all encountered something like this, haven’t we?
Anyway, below is a list to save yourself from Rehearsals and Rehashes:
- Remember the message not what you want to tell them or how you want to say it;
- Create an agenda;
- Remove the emotion from your agenda;
- Make a conscious effort to catch yourself when you are playing it out in your head;
- Prepare yourself for any deviations – that way, you won’t get caught off guard;
- When the meeting is over – let it stay that way – it is over;
- Try to stay healthy in your mind and in your dealings, regardless of the outcome;
- Do not go over it again and again – otherwise, you are just allowing them to rent space in your head;
- Stay away from resentment – this is the most unhealthy aspect of rehashing; and
- Make a conscious effort to catch yourself when you are rehashing in your head.
Look, this is easier said than done, especially if you are not a strong meeting person. In a nutshell:
Save rehearsals for the plays and skits – the real world requires knowing what idea/strategy/plan or message you want to convey. This takes tough planning and execution where agendas will help you be a better meeting person and less apt to get sideswiped with any change in direction.
When it is all said and done, remember that there is very little you can do or say – so accomplish as much as you can during the meeting. This way you don’t feel slighted or feel like you have been cheated.
With that said, I hope this helps….
Take care, God Bless and Cool Runnings, Mon! – Michael